April 23, 2024
Far Out
According to ships logs from the USS Titan, Captain Shaw remarked, ‘Steal their pot.’ When asked for a comment, Commander Hansen had this to say, “The Collective once picked up this dude from Portland. Before we knew it, our cube was disabled for a week. I experimented but did not assimilate.” According to Starfleet logs, Captain Shaw was speaking about a Changeling which had infiltrated the ship, which made this interview award.
Interview By: A Genetically Enhanced Potato
April 30, 2024
Knowledge is Power
The Annual Klingon Scholastic Book Fair to benefit the production of enemy widows and war orphans will commence on the Klingon home world of Kronos this week. The honorable affair will feature an all-you-can-eat buffet and showcase many literary classics such as “Oh The Places You’ll Gowron” and “Horton Hears A P’Tok!”
“You have not experienced Seuss until you’ve read him in the original Klingon.” ~ General Chang
Story By: Shesso, Son of J’ril
May 7, 2024
The Sunrise of A New World
Star Trek Prodigy To Find New Life On Netflix. When asked for comment about the lease of their IP, along with dwindling subscriptions renewals, Head of Programming at Paramount, Cheesy Special Effect, had this to say, “Idiot, people don’t have money, streaming services do!”
Interview By: Pirates?! Who said pirates?!
May 14, 2024
The Shadow of New Life
Due to the recent backlash over the cancellation of Star Trek Lower Decks, Paramount has announced they will renew The Original Series for 2 more seasons, then cancel it. “We found a sack of mail from the 60s; these nerds… fans really want It back on the air. While I’m CEO, let it never be said CBS doesn’t care, so we’re giving the public what it wants.” Says deceased CBS CEO Frank Stanton
Interview By: QWERTY LCARS Panel
May 21, 2024
Hi Borg
It was Mother’s Day last week, and our always topical, punctual staff got the chance of a lifetime to chat with THE mother; the Alpha and Omega, herself, the Borg Queen. In this exclusive interview, our staff asks the hard-hitting questions on topics ranging from fashion to beauty.
We also find out just why the Borg are so darn interested in Earth. The answer might just surprise you.
B. Q. “We’re farming you. We could send a fleet of ships, we’ve done it to countless worlds, but choose to send a single vessel. You’re technologically inferior, and yet, you always manage to win. Haven’t you ever been curious? Did you think it was your individuality? … Each time we invade; you ”defeat us” with your little ships, then you experience a technological boom for the next decade. Ripe for the next picking. We’ve assimilated countless Earths across countless realities. The Borg exist in all realities… except when we don’t.”
We asked the Queen about the most interesting version of Earth they’ve assimilated.
B. Q. “There was a version of Earth, reality 9231962, humans never solved global warming. Their solution was to just build everything UP like, on poles. They had anti-gravity with these little puttering... sky cars, I guess you’d call them… ptptptptptpt! Can you believe that? Anti-gravity, space travel, even… but Earth is dead. Just plant more fucking trees. … That one was unusual. We had a good laugh at that one.”
Story By: Judy Jetstream
May 28, 2024
NeXt-Man
Paramount has announced they are in talks with "Fantastic Four" producer… no, not that one, the other one… Simon Kinberg, to oversee future Star Trek Films. When asked when fans might expect the latest feature film, Paramount Exec, Direct-Marketing-Algorithm, had this to say, "WHAT? Oh that, we don't want to MAKE a new movie, we want to ANNOUNCE a new movie. We noticed "X-Men" was trending and our stock was a little low. Had to shake the hive a bit."
Story By: C. U. Atthemovies
June 4, 2024
DISCO Fever
Star Trek Discovery, the series with a high expectations and a rocky start, came to a finale last week. The polarizing series became the first Star Trek to showcase an African American woman as the captain of a hero ship. Discovery continued to break ground even through its finale when it become the first series to give the lead black character a happy ending.
Story By: Chett G. B. T.
June 11, 2024
Tasha Yarn
The Crocheting World was rocked with scandal this week when recently paroled geneticist Dr. Arik Soong attended the Galactic Weavers Championships. Dr Soong at one time was Starfleet’s top geneticist, until he stole several genetically engineered embryos, violating numerous Starfleet regulations, to raise the embryos to adolescence, before abandoning them, only for them to return and wreak havoc, to the degree of nearly instigating an interstellar war between Earth and the Klingon Empire, all without public knowledge… has turned over a new leaf! The good doctor has turned his attention to field of robotics. Doctor Soong demonstrated his positronic prowess by entering an android of his own making into the competition. The android named PAT, has drawn high-pitched criticism from notable weavers, the Tholians. To allay concerns, the good doctor had this to say, “Don’t worry, someday you’ll be able to have sex with it.”
June 18, 2024
You Know, He’s That Guy…
Last week, Paramount announced they’ve cast actor Paul Giamatti, the actor that you can’t remember any of his movies, but makes you go, “Hey, I know him! I love him!” in their upcoming new series “Starfleet Academy.” The series that’s definitely getting made - no srsly guys - it’s totally gonna be a thing - is already featuring some serious star power with the casting of Academy Award winner, Holly Hunter. Paramount, who has a history of discovering major talent such as Leonard Nimoy, Patrick Stewart, and Anson Mount, appears to be changing gears by hiring talent they can’t afford to use.
Story By: The Heisenberg Over-Compensator
June 25, 2024
A Ship By Any Other Name
The USS Spirk Is Canon is due to report back to space dock for a less-than-glamorous re-naming ceremony. The Neo Constitution class vessel received its name through a program pioneered by Starfleet Admiral, Mai Shaaft, in which they would seek out public opinion on the naming of their vessels. The winning entry was submitted by user "surprisinglyslippery."
Today, the interplanetary peacekeeping organization has announced they will no longer seek public opinion on the naming of their starships. The admiral did confirm the Public Opinion Poll for the naming of ship systems will remain in place, and they will soon roll out The Fleet’s new teleportation system, the ‘Wassa Matter Transporter.’
Story By: Shoobs Tootwhistle
July 2, 2024
In A Pig’s Eye
In response to Netflix’s premiere of Star Trek: Prodigy, Season 2, Paramount has announced they’ve secured a deal with the House of Mouse. Paramount, the Broken-Home of Star Trek, has secured a deal to lease The Muppet Show segments for a bewildering 47 million dollars on a 5-year lease. When reached for comment, Paramount Exec, S. Marty Felt-man, had this to say, “Who doesn’t love pigs?”
Story By: Bosch, Devourer of Cakes
July 9, 2024
Mission Improbable
Earlier this week, Paramount, the company who, very recently, took a mile-high dump on art and culture by single-handedly erasing 30+ years of art, history, and culture by erasing both the MTV and Daily Show archives has announced they’ll soon be somebody else’s problem. A tentative deal has been reached with Skydance Media to merge with the with the beleaguered streaming service. Skydance and Paramount have been dancing around a possible merger for several months. While news of the merger looks promising Paramount still has a 45-day “go-shop period” in which they can still fuck it up. Should the merger succeed, Skydance Media will face a new impossible mission: Making Paramount Profitable.
Story By: Paramount Killed The Video Star
July 16, 2024
Wesley… who?
Paramount has acquired Dr. Who. Sorta. Through an overly complicated method by which the so-called streaming giant canceled a wildly popular series, debated whether to use it as a tax write-off, before eventually leasing it to Netflix, a company who tends to listen to its subscribers and knows what their doing; green-lit additional seasons, which now includes Trek’s version of Dr. Who.
Story By: Mistress of the Run-on Sentence
July 23, 2024
Black Oops
According to classified Starflet records, the peace-loving organization actually has an unregistered sister division designed solely for covert operations. Contrary to the espoused ‘I come in peace’ rhetoric, the newly revealed Section 31 has been responsible for many morally reprehensible operations across the history of the Federation. More surprising still, the organization appears to have originated in conjunction with the founding of the Federation. Revelation of this organization has generated quite the buzz on Orion leading many to speculate if there will be a… series or a made-for-TV-limited-movie-event… until Paramount cancels it for a tax write-off.
Story By: Holden MaBreth
July 30, 2024
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Bye.
San Diego Comic-Con 2024, the premium nerd gathering celebrating all things pop-culture, drew to a close this past Sunday. An estimated 130K attendees flocked to America’s Finest City. A plethora of Star Trek talent was in attendance to answer fan questions in Q & A panels, and promote long awaited news for upcoming series. Star Trek: Lower Decks’s final season is confirmed, and not a cruel, cruel joke. Fans can expect the series finale` to drop in October of this year. Other projects were announced, such as “Section 31” and “Starfleet Academy.” The beleaguered project has been in development limbo for close to 25 years. New casting announcements have certainly… stirred…? interest, leaving Trekkies questioning, “Wait, that’s actually happening? That’s not an elaborate tax write-off?” The new series will be set in the 32nd century timeline set by Star Trek: Discovery, and feature a variety of talent, legacy and new. Plot details are limited at this time, leaving many fans questioning, just how soon into the series premiere will this new cadre of cadets steal a starship?
Story By: A Genetically Enhanced Potato
August 6, 2024
Class of 3191.
San Diego Comic-Con 2024 brought us more news on the upcoming, mildly anticipated “Starfleet Academy.” Paramount has said it will be a “new format” with Academy Award Winner Holly Hunter as a “very different” captain - a woman!
“Psst! … Hey, Cheif, the last captain was a woman.”
Chief, “But this one is white. The last one was black. … I checked.
Story By: J. Jonah Just Stop
August 13, 2024
Give ‘em Your O-Brien Face.
Recently, Star Trek icon Colm Meany revealed whether or not he’d ever consider reprising his role as the often beloved, always made to suffer, Chief Miles O’Brien. Mr. Meany, who’s actually quite nice, and has never heard that joke before, conceded he’d only consider returning if the script was top notch.
“The suffering’s gotta be top-shelf, boys. D’you know what I mean? I’m not talking that ‘ah jaysus,’ shite. Show me a script to make Dan Moran tear the handle off himself. … Then, I’ll consider it.”
Story By: O-o-O’Briennnnnn…. Suffers-A-lot.
August 20, 2024
Tough Little Ship
A recent subspace memo intercepted …uncovered from the Starfleet Corps of Engineers has revealed a ‘secret directive’ among the renown ship builders. This so-called ‘Archer Imperative’ states that all written ship system tolerance levels are to be reported well BELOW their actual level. The architect of this directive appears to be the Director of Engineers at Starbase One, Jeffrey Tubes. Mr. Tubes is claimed to have stated his reasoning behind this decision is simple, “Starfleet captains are gonna do some pretty stupid shit with our ships and we want them to survive.”
Story By: Rosie, The Self-Sealing Stembolt
August 27, 2024
Animal House of Mogh
Starfleet Academy, the anticipated, newest installment in the Star Trek franchise started filming yesterday. Not much is known about the show fans are already disappointed in. However, according to a synopsis stolen by…. delivered to this channel, the series will focus on, “socially inept cadets, as they attempt to pledge the snooty Starfleet fraternity houses, but are summarily rejected. Lowering their standards, they try at the notoriously rowdy Worf Delta Pi House, and get in. The trouble is, the college dean has it in for the cadets and has secretly made a deal to have them kicked out of the Academy.”
Story By: Holden MaBreth
September 3, 2024
This One’s From The Heart
Firstly, I would like to apologize for this late edition. Secondly, on a more somber note, the Star Trek family has lost a dear member. James Darren, singer and star of Gidget, and Star Trek Deep Space Nine, has died at the age of 88. His portrayal as Vic Fontaine on the aforementioned Star Trek DS9, was immeasurable and his loss is keenly felt by fans. To our readers, the ads and other satirical stories will return next week. To have them juxtaposed to this sad news feels distasteful. However, there’s new fan art in the Gallery and our socials are still active and full of memes, should you care to join us there. Lastly, from us at The Orion, Mr. Darren, thank you for the memories, and may you rest in peace.
Story By: Blatherskite
September 10, 2024
Thanks for the Memories
September 8, 2024, Star Trek: The Original Series celebrated its 58th birthday. Congratulations to the series that started it all. We’d like to say a very special thank you to all the writers, cast, and crew, without which, the past 58 years (baring a few gaps) would have been possible. The 58th wedding anniversary is “Memories Relived.” Some of my most precious memories throughout Star Trek’s many iterations include when Voyager returned home, the tragic death of Spock, or when Paramount didn’t routinely cancel their shows.
Story By: Blatherskite