April 23, 2024
Far Out
According to ships logs from the USS Titan, Captain Shaw remarked, ‘Steal their pot.’ When asked for a comment, Commander Hansen had this to say, “The Collective once picked up this dude from Portland. Before we knew it, our cube was disabled for a week. I experimented but did not assimilate.” According to Starfleet logs, Captain Shaw was speaking about a Changeling which had infiltrated the ship, which made this interview award.
Interview By: A Genetically Enhanced Potato
April 30, 2024
Knowledge is Power
The Annual Klingon Scholastic Book Fair to benefit the production of enemy widows and war orphans will commence on the Klingon home world of Kronos this week. The honorable affair will feature an all-you-can-eat buffet and showcase many literary classics such as “Oh The Places You’ll Gowron” and “Horton Hears A P’Tok!”
“You have not experienced Seuss until you’ve read him in the original Klingon.” ~ General Chang
Story By: Shesso, Son of J’ril
May 7, 2024
The Sunrise of A New World
Star Trek Prodigy To Find New Life On Netflix. When asked for comment about the lease of their IP, along with dwindling subscriptions renewals, Head of Programming at Paramount, Cheesy Special Effect, had this to say, “Idiot, people don’t have money, streaming services do!”
Interview By: Pirates?! Who said pirates?!
May 14, 2024
The Shadow of New Life
Due to the recent backlash over the cancellation of Star Trek Lower Decks, Paramount has announced they will renew The Original Series for 2 more seasons, then cancel it. “We found a sack of mail from the 60s; these nerds… fans really want It back on the air. While I’m CEO, let it never be said CBS doesn’t care, so we’re giving the public what it wants.” Says deceased CBS CEO Frank Stanton
Interview By: QWERTY LCARS Panel
May 21, 2024
Hi Borg
It was Mother’s Day last week, and our always topical, punctual staff got the chance of a lifetime to chat with THE mother; the Alpha and Omega, herself, the Borg Queen. In this exclusive interview, our staff asks the hard-hitting questions on topics ranging from fashion to beauty.
We also find out just why the Borg are so darn interested in Earth. The answer might just surprise you.
B. Q. “We’re farming you. We could send a fleet of ships, we’ve done it to countless worlds, but choose to send a single vessel. You’re technologically inferior, and yet, you always manage to win. Haven’t you ever been curious? Did you think it was your individuality? … Each time we invade; you ”defeat us” with your little ships, then you experience a technological boom for the next decade. Ripe for the next picking. We’ve assimilated countless Earths across countless realities. The Borg exist in all realities… except when we don’t.”
We asked the Queen about the most interesting version of Earth they’ve assimilated.
B. Q. “There was a version of Earth, reality 9231962, humans never solved global warming. Their solution was to just build everything UP like, on poles. They had anti-gravity with these little puttering... sky cars, I guess you’d call them… ptptptptptpt! Can you believe that? Anti-gravity, space travel, even… but Earth is dead. Just plant more fucking trees. … That one was unusual. We had a good laugh at that one.”
Story By: Judy Jetstream
May 28, 2024
NeXt-Man
Paramount has announced they are in talks with "Fantastic Four" producer… no, not that one, the other one… Simon Kinberg, to oversee future Star Trek Films. When asked when fans might expect the latest feature film, Paramount Exec, Direct-Marketing-Algorithm, had this to say, "WHAT? Oh that, we don't want to MAKE a new movie, we want to ANNOUNCE a new movie. We noticed "X-Men" was trending and our stock was a little low. Had to shake the hive a bit."
Story By: C. U. Atthemovies
June 4, 2024
DISCO Fever
Star Trek Discovery, the series with a high expectations and a rocky start, came to a finale last week. The polarizing series became the first Star Trek to showcase an African American woman as the captain of a hero ship. Discovery continued to break ground even through its finale when it become the first series to give the lead black character a happy ending.
Story By: Chett G. B. T.
June 11, 2024
Tasha Yarn
The Crocheting World was rocked with scandal this week when recently paroled geneticist Dr. Arik Soong attended the Galactic Weavers Championships. Dr Soong at one time was Starfleet’s top geneticist, until he stole several genetically engineered embryos, violating numerous Starfleet regulations, to raise the embryos to adolescence, before abandoning them, only for them to return and wreak havoc, to the degree of nearly instigating an interstellar war between Earth and the Klingon Empire, all without public knowledge… has turned over a new leaf! The good doctor has turned his attention to field of robotics. Doctor Soong demonstrated his positronic prowess by entering an android of his own making into the competition. The android named PAT, has drawn high-pitched criticism from notable weavers, the Tholians. To allay concerns, the good doctor had this to say, “Don’t worry, someday you’ll be able to have sex with it.”
June 18, 2024
You Know, He’s That Guy…
Last week, Paramount announced they’ve cast actor Paul Giamatti, the actor that you can’t remember any of his movies, but makes you go, “Hey, I know him! I love him!” in their upcoming new series “Starfleet Academy.” The series that’s definitely getting made - no srsly guys - it’s totally gonna be a thing - is already featuring some serious star power with the casting of Academy Award winner, Holly Hunter. Paramount, who has a history of discovering major talent such as Leonard Nimoy, Patrick Stewart, and Anson Mount, appears to be changing gears by hiring talent they can’t afford to use.
Story By: The Heisenberg Over-Compensator
June 25, 2024
A Ship By Any Other Name
The USS Spirk Is Canon is due to report back to space dock for a less-than-glamorous re-naming ceremony. The Neo Constitution class vessel received its name through a program pioneered by Starfleet Admiral, Mai Shaaft, in which they would seek out public opinion on the naming of their vessels. The winning entry was submitted by user "surprisinglyslippery."
Today, the interplanetary peacekeeping organization has announced they will no longer seek public opinion on the naming of their starships. The admiral did confirm the Public Opinion Poll for the naming of ship systems will remain in place, and they will soon roll out The Fleet’s new teleportation system, the ‘Wassa Matter Transporter.’
Story By: Shoobs Tootwhistle
July 2, 2024
In A Pig’s Eye
In response to Netflix’s premiere of Star Trek: Prodigy, Season 2, Paramount has announced they’ve secured a deal with the House of Mouse. Paramount, the Broken-Home of Star Trek, has secured a deal to lease The Muppet Show segments for a bewildering 47 million dollars on a 5-year lease. When reached for comment, Paramount Exec, S. Marty Felt-man, had this to say, “Who doesn’t love pigs?”
Story By: Bosch, Devourer of Cakes
July 9, 2024
Mission Improbable
Earlier this week, Paramount, the company who, very recently, took a mile-high dump on art and culture by single-handedly erasing 30+ years of art, history, and culture by erasing both the MTV and Daily Show archives has announced they’ll soon be somebody else’s problem. A tentative deal has been reached with Skydance Media to merge with the with the beleaguered streaming service. Skydance and Paramount have been dancing around a possible merger for several months. While news of the merger looks promising Paramount still has a 45-day “go-shop period” in which they can still fuck it up. Should the merger succeed, Skydance Media will face a new impossible mission: Making Paramount Profitable.
Story By: Paramount Killed The Video Star
July 16, 2024
Wesley… who?
Paramount has acquired Dr. Who. Sorta. Through an overly complicated method by which the so-called streaming giant canceled a wildly popular series, debated whether to use it as a tax write-off, before eventually leasing it to Netflix, a company who tends to listen to its subscribers and knows what their doing; green-lit additional seasons, which now includes Trek’s version of Dr. Who.
Story By: Mistress of the Run-on Sentence
July 23, 2024
Black Oops
According to classified Starflet records, the peace-loving organization actually has an unregistered sister division designed solely for covert operations. Contrary to the espoused ‘I come in peace’ rhetoric, the newly revealed Section 31 has been responsible for many morally reprehensible operations across the history of the Federation. More surprising still, the organization appears to have originated in conjunction with the founding of the Federation. Revelation of this organization has generated quite the buzz on Orion leading many to speculate if there will be a… series or a made-for-TV-limited-movie-event… until Paramount cancels it for a tax write-off.
Story By: Holden MaBreth
July 30, 2024
Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Bye.
San Diego Comic-Con 2024, the premium nerd gathering celebrating all things pop-culture, drew to a close this past Sunday. An estimated 130K attendees flocked to America’s Finest City. A plethora of Star Trek talent was in attendance to answer fan questions in Q & A panels, and promote long awaited news for upcoming series. Star Trek: Lower Decks’s final season is confirmed, and not a cruel, cruel joke. Fans can expect the series finale` to drop in October of this year. Other projects were announced, such as “Section 31” and “Starfleet Academy.” The beleaguered project has been in development limbo for close to 25 years. New casting announcements have certainly… stirred…? interest, leaving Trekkies questioning, “Wait, that’s actually happening? That’s not an elaborate tax write-off?” The new series will be set in the 32nd century timeline set by Star Trek: Discovery, and feature a variety of talent, legacy and new. Plot details are limited at this time, leaving many fans questioning, just how soon into the series premiere will this new cadre of cadets steal a starship?
Story By: A Genetically Enhanced Potato
August 6, 2024
Class of 3191.
San Diego Comic-Con 2024 brought us more news on the upcoming, mildly anticipated “Starfleet Academy.” Paramount has said it will be a “new format” with Academy Award Winner Holly Hunter as a “very different” captain - a woman!
“Psst! … Hey, Cheif, the last captain was a woman.”
Chief, “But this one is white. The last one was black. … I checked.
Story By: J. Jonah Just Stop
August 13, 2024
Give ‘em Your O-Brien Face.
Recently, Star Trek icon Colm Meany revealed whether or not he’d ever consider reprising his role as the often beloved, always made to suffer, Chief Miles O’Brien. Mr. Meany, who’s actually quite nice, and has never heard that joke before, conceded he’d only consider returning if the script was top notch.
“The suffering’s gotta be top-shelf, boys. D’you know what I mean? I’m not talking that ‘ah jaysus,’ shite. Show me a script to make Dan Moran tear the handle off himself. … Then, I’ll consider it.”
Story By: O-o-O’Briennnnnn…. Suffers-A-lot.
August 20, 2024
Tough Little Ship
A recent subspace memo intercepted …uncovered from the Starfleet Corps of Engineers has revealed a ‘secret directive’ among the renown ship builders. This so-called ‘Archer Imperative’ states that all written ship system tolerance levels are to be reported well BELOW their actual level. The architect of this directive appears to be the Director of Engineers at Starbase One, Jeffrey Tubes. Mr. Tubes is claimed to have stated his reasoning behind this decision is simple, “Starfleet captains are gonna do some pretty stupid shit with our ships and we want them to survive.”
Story By: Rosie, The Self-Sealing Stembolt
August 27, 2024
Animal House of Mogh
Starfleet Academy, the anticipated, newest installment in the Star Trek franchise started filming yesterday. Not much is known about the show fans are already disappointed in. However, according to a synopsis stolen by…. delivered to this channel, the series will focus on, “socially inept cadets, as they attempt to pledge the snooty Starfleet fraternity houses, but are summarily rejected. Lowering their standards, they try at the notoriously rowdy Worf Delta Pi House, and get in. The trouble is, the college dean has it in for the cadets and has secretly made a deal to have them kicked out of the Academy.”
Story By: Holden MaBreth
September 3, 2024
This One’s From The Heart
Firstly, I would like to apologize for this late edition. Secondly, on a more somber note, the Star Trek family has lost a dear member. James Darren, singer and star of Gidget, and Star Trek Deep Space Nine, has died at the age of 88. His portrayal as Vic Fontaine on the aforementioned Star Trek DS9, was immeasurable and his loss is keenly felt by fans. To our readers, the ads and other satirical stories will return next week. To have them juxtaposed to this sad news feels distasteful. However, there’s new fan art in the Gallery and our socials are still active and full of memes, should you care to join us there. Lastly, from us at The Orion, Mr. Darren, thank you for the memories, and may you rest in peace.
Story By: Blatherskite
September 10, 2024
Thanks for the Memories
September 8, 2024, Star Trek: The Original Series celebrated its 58th birthday. Congratulations to the series that started it all. We’d like to say a very special thank you to all the writers, cast, and crew, without which, the past 58 years (baring a few gaps) would have been possible. The 58th wedding anniversary is “Memories Relived.” Some of my most precious memories throughout Star Trek’s many iterations include when Voyager returned home, the tragic death of Spock, or when Paramount didn’t routinely cancel their shows.
Story By: Blatherskite
September 17, 2024
Trekkies Before Techies
In a twist that would make Voyager season 3 writers blush, tech billionaire Larry Ellison, is a cliche’ villain. In a recent interview, Ellison the man hellbent on plagiarizing most if not all dystopian sci-fi storylines, planned to accomplish this by controlling a vast network of AI-powered drones (Terminator, Runaway). Larry Ellison (Harry Starling), the man who would control Paramount after the Skydance merger, says a vast AI-fueled surveillance system (1984) can “ensure citizens will be on their best behavior.” Great, let’s start with you - pay your fair share of taxes.
Story By: Blatherskite
September 24, 2024
Kro-no!
Nine tourists visiting the Ngem 'a quv or 'Forest of Horrors' on the Klingon home world of Kronos were devoured by the a native species of carnivorous singing plant, the bom Suvwl' Dlghna'. Klingon High Command has called the incident “hilarious” and “deserved;” “the funniest thing they've ever heard and thanks for telling them.” Survivors of the leisure cruise recall the events as “Horrors beyond the imagining of the human mind, but jaunty and in-tune.” The Galactic Foundation for Emotional Trauma on Betazed has dispatched their standard response team of councilors, led by Dr Quetzal Migleemo, to the planet.
Story By: Blatherskite
October 1, 2024
Beam Me Up, Nickelodeon.
Pack your bags and leave your red shirts at home as we prepare for an away mission. Nickelodeon Land has announced they will open The Land of Legends in Antalya, Turkey. The new section of the theme park will include attractions from many Nickelodeon shows including the Netflix exclusive, Star Trek: Prodigy. Try not to die there or Netflix will say they can't be held liable for killing you. No, scratch that, that's Disney.
The Starfleet themed hotel rooms will let you live out your wildest Star Trek fantasies, like being impregnated by an alien energy being, being mind-fucked by a telepath, or playing the trombone. Accommodations will range from the standard-themed room, a deluxe option, and "Star Trek Iconic Suite" that looks like a Ready Room. You know, for those who've always dreamt of sleeping on Picard's couch. No word yet if they'll offer a Sub-Standard, or "Lower Decks" style room. If you want the authentic Star Trek experience, upgrade to the Paramount+ package and a Paramount exec will personally cancel your reservation mid-stay.
Story By: Blatherskite
October 8, 2024
The McMahan Trap
During a recent fundraising event for “Vote Save America,” hosts and Star Trek fans Jon Levette and Alice Wetterland introduced a game in which Star Trek alumni answered the age-old question “Would You Fuck This Alien?” The alien in question was the creature from the planet M-113, or as they’re more commonly referred: a Salt Vampire, Salt Succubus, or Salt Slut. During the game Star Trek stars such as Gates McFadden, Jonathan Frakes, and Jeri Ryan swiped left or right on the pouty-lipped alien. A clip from the event seems to indicate Star Trek: Lower Decks creator, Mike McMahan, would and possibly has.
https://youtu.be/0IREg-QVhCA?si=fjGsNMuMh85fEQVf
For in truth is there no booty? Seeking comment, we attempted to reach out to the Salt Vampire, but were unable to locate her as her species is no more; possible fucked into extinction by Mr. McMahan. The only historical record to corroborate these wild accusations is a partial photograph showing a Salt Vampire with a blue koala tattooed on her thigh. We may never know the truth. However, one thing is certain, if Mr. McMahan hasn’t, fellow Lower Decks costar Eugene Cordero, would ram that harder than Voyager into a Krenim vessel.
Story By: Blatherskite
October 15, 2024
Hadi Oradan Inek
In preparation for Star Trek’s 60th anniversary in 2026, Paramount has begun the celebration early by removing content from their streaming service. The 6 original films featuring Those Old Scientists, plus the Next Generation Cast movies will no longer be available to stream on the “home of Star Trek”. Not to worry however, there is hope. According to the reanimated corpse of Herbert F. Solow; former CEO at CBS/Paramount, has announced the network will replace the beloved movies with the 1973 Turkish cult comedy/drama: 'Ömer the Tourist in Star Trek'.
Story By: Blatherskite
October 22, 2024
The Final Frontier
Mark your calendars, and prepare to get sanitary in the DeCon Chamber. The adventure continues for the statistically horniest and least romantically committed crew in the Federation. Star Trek: Lower Decks and the crew of the USS Cerritos returns for its 5th and, sadly, final season on Thursday, October 24th… before returning as Star Trek: Middle Decks!… says this hopeful fan.
Story By: Blatherskite
October 31, 2024
Invasion of the… Everything!
This just in! Starfleet, the galactic peacekeeping organization has been infiltrated by mind-controlling insectoid aliens of unknown origin! It is uncertain the intentions of these mysterious and sinister beings, who have no affiliation with the Borg.
Wait a minute… THIS just in… It appears Starfleet has also been infiltrated by Romulans! … What? Oh… and Changelings. Is there anybody human still left at Starfleet? More as the story develops. Or this could be a one-off.
Story By: Blatherskite
November 5, 2024
Time Travel Isn’t What It Might Have Used To Will Have Been.
Time Travelers across the time-stream eagerly await the results of the 2024 US Presidential elections to see if they’re still in the bad timeline.
Story By: Blatherskite
November 12, 2024
R.I.P. Tony Todd
Actor Anthony (Tony) Todd, perhaps most well known for his role as the
bee-spewing demon in the “Candyman” horror movies, passed away
November 6. Mr. Todd may best be known among Star Trek fans for his
portrayal of Kern, Worf’s younger brother in “Star Trek: The Next
Generation.” Additionally, Mr. Todd gave a tear-jerking performance
as Older Jake Sisko in the “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” episode
“The Visitor.” Mr. Todd’s contributions to the various Star Trek series
has been felt across the fandom, so too his loss.
Story By: Blatherskite
November 19, 2024
Row, Row, Row your Bot.
In a surprising move to quell the less than warm response over the cancellation of the beloved animated series, Star Trek: Lower Decks, Paramount exec, S. Marty McBigbrain, says the network has the solution - A.I.! Yes, the company which, over the course of multiple iterations of Star Trek, produced several episodes espousing the dangers of Artificial Intelligence now look to it as their deus ex machina. In fact, the studio has already burned down a small forest and poisoned a reservoir dedicating processing power to its automated savior: ChatGBT. The studio says they didn’t need to burn down the forest, other companies were doing it and they wanted to fit in. Furthermore, by sacrificing a few interns, and feeding every available Star Trek script to the power-hungry algorithm, the studio says they’ve produced the perfect Star Trek vehicle entitled: Star Trek V: The Final Frontier.
Story By: Blatherskite
November 26, 2024
The Needs of the Many… or the One.
In celebration of the 30th anniversary of Star Trek: Generations, which saw the triumphant return of William Shatner to the role of Captain Kirk, The Roddenberry Archive released a short film celebrating one of science fictions greatest love stories - Spirk. https://roddenberry.x.io/ The film has been wildly lauded by fans of The Original Series, many of whom have eagerly awaited this confirmation for nearly 60 years. Through its powerful imagining of an inclusive, tolerant future, Star Trek broke many barriers during its original, but short-lived run. Most notably by showcasing a black woman in a starring role, a Russian helmsman, and by being one of the gayest shows on television. Sixty years is a long time to remain in the closet, nevertheless, congratulations to happy couple.
Story By: Blatherskite
December 3, 2024
Make It Snow
A Tellarite cargo ship was detained by Federation security just outside the Sol System. According to intercepted borrowed ships logs, the ship, Captained by R’ik Ja’Mz was carrying twenty-metric kilograms of a substance called cocaine also known as ‘snow’ or ‘The Bolian’s Dandruff.’ The ship’s manifest indicates they were to deliver the product to a movie production studio in California. Said snow was to be used in production of an Earth television program called ‘Code of Honor.’ Surely, the episode must be dedicated to the ancient Earth custom of X-mas.
Story By: Mistress of Oblivious Subtext
December 10, 2024
Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap
This week, Paramount released the full official trailer for their newest movie Star Trek vehicle: “Section 31.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63k1Otp9qtM The film includes several Star Trek-like elements such as, space, and a supposed-to-be-extinct two-tone alien species, and will showcase them facing a threat unlike the Federation has ever faced before. Which is totally different from all the other threats unlike the Federation has ever faced before. No, seriously, guys it’s different this time. The movie will focus on the wrong, but totally more cool elements of Star Trek by delving into the dark, dirty elements of Starfleet’s Black Ops division: Section 31. In this made-for-TV-movie, Michelle Yeoh reprises her role as the reformed murderous cannibal from the Mirror Universe, Philippa Georgiou. The generic space adventure trailer, which feels like cobbled-together, half abandoned concepts from Star Trek: Discovery, has managed to stir lukewarm reactions with Star Trek fans saying “pass.”
Story By: Blatherskite